putting things into perspective.
Nov. 21st, 2012 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ash48Over the last few days I've been typing stuff up and deleting it and not posting. It was all pretty messy. What it did do is give me a chance to mull things over and identify exactly what it was that made me go from \o/ \o/ \o/ to /o\ :(( in a blink of an eye. Or rather...one episode.
This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D
This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)
I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.
What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.
I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)
So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.
I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part of their characters and an on going issue).
But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?
Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.
But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.
It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.
But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)
I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)
I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.
Dear Show...have I told you how much Ihate love you lately?
PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)
This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D
This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)
I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.
What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.
I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)
So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.
I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part of their characters and an on going issue).
But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?
Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.
But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.
It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.
But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)
I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)
I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.
Dear Show...have I told you how much I
PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-11-21 05:33 pm (UTC)one true lovebrother. That makes me think there's more than we've seen of Sam's story so far. We haven't seen anything from that time immediately after Dean vanished.And I really do hope that they'll show it to us. I don't need it to be a supernatural reason (even though I also remember the shadow when Sam left Amelia's house) and I will be okay if Sam just didn't look for Dean.
When someone says that Sam or Dean is the bad guy, in which ever case it happens at that time, I always think of Bobby's words in Lucifer Rising (I think it was Luciver Rising) that family is supposed to make you miserable. The people that can hurt you the most are the people that are closest to you.
And yes, Dean is hurt. And I get it, I do. But in the end he will have to learn that Sam is very different from himself. And he will have to accept that Sam's maybe not happy being on the road hunting for all his life. And he will have to, like you said so nicely, work through the grief and come out the other side.
Because in the end he'll forgive Sam for not looking (which is what we should do as well) because that's what you do when you love someone. And that's why I love them so much because in the end they find a way to forgive and move on. :)
no subject
Date: 2012-11-21 09:18 pm (UTC)Yes, I know. I have a vivid imagination.;)
no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 02:58 pm (UTC)(reminds me of a fic where Jensen was turned into a dog and Jared didn't know but his dogs did. It was kinda gorgeous..)
no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 01:33 pm (UTC)I even went into this season ready for Sam to really not have looked for Dean. I trusted that Show would give us some of those reasons and I was cool with it all.
But 7 eps in and we haven't had any reason. I think I just don't want Sam not looking as something just for Dean to react to. I want Sam not looking to be important to Sam. Not necessarily something that he needs to be forgiven for but rather understood.
When I mentioned "bad" brother it's not that I believe either of them are bad. I don't - in any way. (hee..totally flawed maybe..;D) What I meant was that Show sets Sam up to be the one that "seemingly" does the wrong thing. He's the one that leaves, the one that can't rescue Dean, the one that somehow loves his brother less etc (nothing I believe of course! *g*), so now he's the brother that didn't follow the "code" and look for Dean. WE can find reasons why he didn't but I want them to give us that. I want Sam's actions to be because of something good rather than something he has to be forgiven for (like in S4).
But I also accept that this is an on going issue with Sam and it may take time to resolve. His inability to rescue Dean (from Hell and now Purgatory) might become part of his inner angst and something he will have to somehow accept.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! (you certainly came on board in the middle of my squee and angst fest! :DD)
xx
no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 05:46 pm (UTC)And it's only just 7 eps. :) It feels longer, though, I think. But I hope that they'll give us a little more insight into Sam's in the coming episodes.
Flawed that's the right word. LOL No, I get it. It does seem like Sam's always the one to 'seemingly' the wrong thing. And I can get on board with wanting Sam's reason to be good and not bad in the sense of demon blood sucking. ;)
He must feel like a failure (not that I think that, hell no) but not being able to rescue Dean from his deal (twice - there's still the few months in Mystery Spot that Sam remembers but nobody else does) and now Purgatory must have done a number on him. *cuddles him*
Haha, I love that came in in the middle of your squee and angst fest. :) It's a pleasure talking about SPN with you. :)