putting things into perspective.

[ash48]

Over the last few days I've been typing stuff up and deleting it and not posting. It was all pretty messy. What it did do is give me a chance to mull things over and identify exactly what it was that made me go from \o/ \o/ \o/ to /o\ :(( in a blink of an eye. Or rather...one episode.

This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D



This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)

I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.

What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.

I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)

So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.

I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part of their characters and an on going issue).

But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?

Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.

But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.

It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.

But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)

I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)

I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.

Dear Show...have I told you how much I hate love you lately?

PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)

Comments

[cassiopeia7.livejournal.com]

I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)

Still stubborn in denial, I am. To steal Mulder's phrase, I want to believe that Sam did originally try to find his brother, but was somehow waylaid or otherwise misdirected by . . . IDEK what, but yeah. I want to believe. I'm still clinging to that "perception" business, which still hasn't been totally explored. We finally got to see what really happened in Purgatory, and it wasn't at all what Dean thought had happened. Now it's time to see what really happened with Sam, and I suspect that Sam's view of the situation might be equally skewed. (Did I mention I was stubborn?)

Of course, if you're right, and it turns out that Sam totally didn't look for Dean, well, I'll just get over it and carry on, because really, one of the guys would actually have to kill the other, eat his heart, and then denounce the Winchester name before I ever gave up them. Or on my Show. :)

I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.

Yup, that would be me. There's something else going on with Sam; I know it. :)

[quickreaver.livejournal.com]

I completely get where you're coming from. Sam is being cast as the 'selfish' brother again BUT! Remember, it's been said several times by the Powers That Be that the first half of the season is Dean-focused--largely his perspective. We're catching how Dean is perceiving events and he was wrong about how he remembered Cas and the escape from Purgatory.

Do you have siblings? I have three (I'm the eldest) and the sister two years younger is Drama in a Basket. I cringe when the phone rings and it's her name on the screen because half the time it's a portent of something miserable. Sam is a pragmatic guy. He knows that every other time he has looked for Dean, Sam has turned into a psycho and drama has wrecked his life. The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome.

Sam has wanted a safe life with every fiber of his being. Dean has always wanted a mission. Two very different core desires. It's not that he loves Dean any less, it's that Sam wants 'safe'. And safe means steering clear of the supernatural, period. He had to commit to being 'out', hook line and sinker, because if he brought Dean back, there'd be no 'out'. Dean came back on his own accord and guess what? Sam had to dive back in and even though he has told Dean several times that after this one last job he's chucking it all in, Dean's crapped all over that opinion. Sam's still just the little brother who can't make decisions for himself and has to follow in his big brother's footsteps.

So I guess, short story long, if Sam didn't ardently look for Dean under every mossy rock, I'm okay with that. I get it. Doesn't make it any less painful for Dean, but then Dean doesn't have a clue (nor does he really want one) as to how painful it might've been for Sam to get back into The Life. Dean can be pretty myopic sometimes, which makes his shifting views on Benny reeeeeeally interesting and a potential growth point for our darling Deano!

I agree, though, it's pretty tough to watch Sam, as a character, serving as window dressing. Last episode I felt this keenly. He had some cool moments but they carried no emotional weight. Overall, I'm digging Season Eight; I think they're taking Show in a good direction and presenting interesting moral dilemmas. I just wish it would happen FASTER! ;)

[de-nugis.livejournal.com]

I think there will be, if not a plotty reveal on Sam not looking, at least a further emotional exploration of it, if only because I can't see them leaving Dean's current perception of the situation unresolved. Though I do think the writers have confused and confounded Sam not looking for Dean and Sam not wanting to hunt, so I do see a danger that they might resolve the latter between Sam and Dean and count themselves as having resolved the former as well.

[heartlessbytchh.livejournal.com]

Hang in there sweet baboo, I know it's been tough this season. I really think we haven't gotten the whole story yet. Remember the watcher watching his house? yeah. We ain't heard everything yet. I think it's very possible that Sam's been told if he did look for Dean he'd put Dean in more danger.

Plus, you gotta remember how much Show likes to yank the fans around. I think Show loves to stir fecal matter with a big ass stick. Seems like every season there's always some kind of flap in fandom about the brothers. I'm just laying back with a "wait and see" attitude and fully expect more story to unfold.

[alienat.livejournal.com]

I remember seeing the pilot and hearing people scream that Sam is OCC because he's cold and distant and doesn't really care. But when I think about it, I remember a Sam that was almost losing it because he hit a dog and that dog might just die. He wasn't cold and distant and didn't care, he was at the end of his wits because he just lost his one true love brother. That makes me think there's more than we've seen of Sam's story so far. We haven't seen anything from that time immediately after Dean vanished.

And I really do hope that they'll show it to us. I don't need it to be a supernatural reason (even though I also remember the shadow when Sam left Amelia's house) and I will be okay if Sam just didn't look for Dean.

When someone says that Sam or Dean is the bad guy, in which ever case it happens at that time, I always think of Bobby's words in Lucifer Rising (I think it was Luciver Rising) that family is supposed to make you miserable. The people that can hurt you the most are the people that are closest to you.

And yes, Dean is hurt. And I get it, I do. But in the end he will have to learn that Sam is very different from himself. And he will have to accept that Sam's maybe not happy being on the road hunting for all his life. And he will have to, like you said so nicely, work through the grief and come out the other side.

Because in the end he'll forgive Sam for not looking (which is what we should do as well) because that's what you do when you love someone. And that's why I love them so much because in the end they find a way to forgive and move on. :)

[greyowl88.livejournal.com]

First: I'm very glad to see the 'enjoy the ride' icon. (And not a 'I'm finally done with this crap' icon. lol)

*reads*

Ha! There was your problem! You expected something!! You know show ALWAYS ruins expectations. ;)

I never had a real problem with Sam not looking for Dean, because, for starters, where would he look? He had no idea what happened to Dean. Dean had just vanished. (Or did I miss anything that would suggest otherwise?)
And he didn't have Bobby to advise him, listen to him or come up with whatever he might have had up his sleeve. All Sam had was his shock of being alone. Completely. - And to me it makes sense. The wariness when he did re-meet with Dean again, the oh so perfectly "normal" relationship of 2 people who both lost direction. And feelings for the dog what he couldn't feel towards Dean. (How do you rescue somebody who has vanished?) So, to me Sam's actions make sense and any blaming him can only come from Dean, and Sam's own feelings of guilt for not living up to Dean's expectations. Dean is leaving no room for trying to understand. He has always been a bossy bastard and expects everything to go his way.
I never felt that show is putting double standards on the boys but that they show a dynamic between 2 brothers that are very different.

So, yeah, these are my thoughts on that. Hope they make sense.

Any which way, I'm glad you are 'back on board', ready to get disappointed by another episode.. :P Excuse my sense of humour here. lol. I'm totally unspoiled and am eager to see what they come up with in the next episode.

Bring it, show! And buckle up, Ash! :D

xx

[galathea-snb.livejournal.com]

Aww, therapeutic posting is good! *hugs*

I don't know. I actually still believe that there will be an explanation for Sam apparently not looking for Dean. We still don't know who was watching Sam in 8x01 and there are still months of Sam's time that are unaccounted for, mostly those in between Dean disappearing and Sam hitting the dog. So, I still have some hope.

[fourtenpm.livejournal.com]

I need to go pick up Z KID for thanksgiving, so I will just scribble 2 lines.

1, having needs outside of Dean doesn't make Sam a bad brother/ooc/selfish. etc.

2, there has to be reason for that (paraphrasing Garth).

pat pat, huggy hug you.

[debbiel66.livejournal.com]

Oh my dear fellow Sam-loving fandom friend...don't give up hope! I know you don't do spoilers, but I will link just in case because this gave me comfort: http://spn-party.livejournal.com/105363.html#comments

Feel free to ignore, but knowing it made me feel better will hopefully make you feel better because I don't think I've EVER had a wildly different reaction to an ep than you.

(((hugs)))

[amnisias.livejournal.com]

Ow, sweetie, come here and have a hug! I hate it when othe people have a hard time with the show.

All this is probably much easier on me because I actually would find it rather refreshing if something significant, emotional or dramtic (like Sam not looking for Dean) was happing for complete normal, random, human, non-supernatural reasons. Having said that, I still don't really convinced that that is the case. I don't want to get your hopes up, because I totally could read this the wrong way, but it you're interested, here are my reasons: There is a big chunk of time missing between the end of seaon 7 and Sam walking into the vets office with an injured dog. We have not been shown how Sam got to the decision 'not to look', nor how he ended up driving into a dog. Also the fact that Sam took Deans accusations with so little push back, just looking sad, and Garth saying 'He had his reasons.' seem to be pointing to 'something' that we don't yet know off.

But I would be equally happy with the reason 'just' being Sam feeling so despondent and empty that he could not face looking for Dean or some more complex reason, supernatural or mystical reason. Because whatever the reason, there is still this great symmetry between what they both went through. The both feel the guilt for letting somebody else down (Dean and Cas, respectively) and they both for the first time in a long while formed a new relationship that did not include the brother (Benny and Amelia, respectively) to get through and cope. And if that's where we heading I think that could be really intersting, because the realisation that both of them can actually survive and go on WITHOUT THE OTHER is likely to shake their relationship to the core. And it would explain why they're both kind of shadowboxing without really getting into any big arguemnts, fights or hissyfits (unless there is a demon involved, obvsly)

[luminosity]

I feel you! You have to go through this in order to get out to the other side (just like Sam!).

Weirdly, I'm feeling so much better since my crash and burn after Bitten. So much better that I seriously believe that something *did* happen to Sam that waylaid him in a search for Dean. I have no evidence, but I do have a great deal of respect for Jeremy Carver as a writer and showrunner, even though it seemed obvious to me that he didn't have a handle on it early on. He has kept both of the Winchesters in character, and he has taken few character shortcuts--so few, AAMOF, that when he does, it's ugly and glaring.

Dean has raised my hackles this season because of his behavior towards Sam, and then I remember that I know several PTSD sufferers, and they're JUST LIKE THIS. When they start to pull out of the downward spiral (they either pull out or they're sucked under), they become horrible people to everyone around them, like... like, the poison and stress has to get out, and sadly, it gets on whomever's closest. But that is the first step of healing and closure, and it's going to happen if they're going to heal. I hope this is the ugly part of Dean healing.

I like the flashbacks of Sam, but I have to point this out--this obvious thing, especially to a viewer like you--the palette/cinematography is screaming "not real! not real!" Even if his experiences were real, what he's remembering is not, or it's colored in that dreamy gauzy, golden filter (nostalgia! lie! lie!).

That being said, I am also loving that as awful as they're being to each other, "at least they're talking."

*holds your hand*
/ramble

[elsewhere91.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're having a hard time with the show at the moment.

I've just never seen Sam as the bad brother and Dean as the good brother, ever. I think both characters have equally good and bad traits.

However, i do understand Sam's actions for not looking for Dean (if Sam didn't look for Dean.) I don't think Sam suddenly gave up but like Sam said, his world 'imploded.' I think also factoring Sam's recent breakdown in season 7, his mistakes in season 4 and that he doesn't trust himself as much as he used to and i'm not really surprised that he couldn't search for Dean. However i think the main issue is that we haven't, as the audeince, seen Sam directly after Dean vanished and i will be fine that there is no supernatural twist as long as Sam gets that emotional exploration.

However if there is a supernatural twist i'll be fine with it as there are a lot of unanswered questions still surrounding Sam.

I'm just going to wait and see as we still have a lot of episodes left :)

Also why do fans assume Sam didn't look for Dean, as if i remember correctly Sam didn't answer Dean and maybe we assume Sam didn't search because Dean assumes Sam didn't look for him? Maybe it's to do with the perception thing. I don't know, but it's fun to speculate lol.

[maenad.livejournal.com]

There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all.

This is where I'd disagree, because I think the one thing is that is clear is that we're not seeing it all.

I mean - at this point we've had a pretty thorough look at Dean's time in purgatory. I'm sure there are more reveals - we probably need to know who promised Benny about the portal, for a start - but we've got the basic layout of the whole experience. We've seen Dean arrive in purgatory, we've seen him leave and we've seen a fair bit in the middle. And whenever we or Sam have have questions, we get a flashback that answers them. Why does he trust Benny? Flashback! What happened to Castiel? Flashback! Why is he jumpy and prone to throttling people? Flashback!

But Sam's flashbacks have had a tight, linear focus on how he met Amelia. The picnic scene is really the only exception, and that's nicely context free. We've seen a highly detailed account of one important event in Sam's year. There's a lot of it, but it doesn't tell us much. It's distracting. It's deliberately distracting. We're not supposed to notice that we haven't had a look at Sam's year the way we have at Dean's.

So I think there's plenty of story coming. Also because - well, they've worn out most of Dean's. They can do a bit more, sure, but we've seen lots of purgatory so they'll need something new for the second half of the season.

I do think it's a persistent problem with Sam that his story tends to get sat on for half a season or more in order to create a surprise reveal. It means he spends a lot of time being misunderstood, and even if he's eventually vindicated you've still got a situation where a lot of people have been mad at him for some time and might have trouble letting go of that. But that's a different problem from failing to give Sam a story at all, and I don't think they've ever done that. So I'm just waiting for his half to take off. I still think there will be good reasons for everything. :)

Alas, the last episode was just weak. It's depressing when that happens, but it does happen sometimes. Not all their writers are of equal quality, and even the good ones sometimes have off days.

[gateslacker.livejournal.com]

Patience. It is so hard to have patience with this show. It's probably why I thought it would take me way longer than it did to burn through the first 6 seasons. I would read the Netflix blurbs for the episodes and, on occasion, skip an episode based on the description because I just HAD to know, you know. A friend told me that you just can't do that with this show so I would always go back. It was like I couldn't "put the book down."

What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.

Yeah, even though my logical, sympathetic brain can understand where Sam was coming from; that he was just done and that he had no resources or leads, my Show history, attuned to these Winchesters brain has a real hard time accepting it. You just expect that there's gotta be more to it because there has always been more to it.

As things stand now, I can accept it but I waffle a bit over whether I'll be satisfied with it, if this is really all there is to it. I think it all boils down to how Sam's story plays out and if they give us more of his story. I've tried to remain spoiler free but you sometimes come across spoilery things and that interview with Carver that people speak of does give me some hope that we will see more about where Sam's head is.

Lately, because my friend is getting into the show, I have been re-watching season two "with" her via text message. Last night, she was able to come over and we watched the end of season two and I was struck by the fact that Dean has had his time of being "done", too. Sam is dead and Bobby is trying to get Dean to come with him; that the apocalypse is nigh and Dean says, "Let it end! I'm done with it. All of it."

I believed it. I understood it. It made sense. What's more, I had no problems with it And if that demon deal hadn't happened, I think Dean would have been out of it, at least for awhile. I didn't experience any sputtering and hand-wringing, "Dean, you have to do something. You can't just leave your brother like that." And, I don't know. Is it because there is an obviously dead Sam right there in the scene. Is it because, again, we get up close and personal with a grieving Dean whereas we get a Sam in S8 who tells us that he thought Dean was dead. Showing is always better than telling, I suppose.

We always allow Dean to be the hypocrite, though. I was watching "Crossroads" again and Dean is really laying into the folks who are making the deals. He even tells the man who saved his wife that he is "selfish" and "did you think about how that would make her feel." At the time, you know it is because of what John did. What I didn't count on was how I would have this OMG! mouth agape moment when I watched again because of the knowledge that Dean does the SAME THING and is completely unapologetic about it. And even though I know Sam is right to be upset and my heart aches for him throughout all of season 3 (and beyond) I am not as upset with Dean, who basically just tells Sam to suck it up and get over it, (Move on!) as I really should be. Again, I don't know why we have the tendency to cut Dean more slack than we do Sam (and I say this as a staunch supporter of Sam and why he does what he does) other than we experienced Dean's despair right along with him, in real time. When Bobby lays out all these reasons why Dean really is a hypocrite and Sam is rightfully upset and Dean says, "I had to, Bobby" in his breaky, wibbly voice, all I can muster is "Oh, Dean. I know you did. I know you did"

My mind. It boggles. (In a good way) Gosh, I love this show!

(As a completely, unrelated aside I am always irritated when John, after the YED is dead, has this touchy feely, unspoken, "I am so proud of you, Dean. I've missed you and I love you so much, son" moment with Dean while Sam gets more of a"oh, hey, I forgot you were here, Sam. How ya been? Toodles" moment. That always grates!)

[destina.livejournal.com]

It's always difficult when shows force us (or try to force us) to break up with them. :/ *hugs*

[hugemind.livejournal.com]

I glad you're feeling better about Show. Reactions to an episode are an incredibly personal thing and sometimes your expectations or even the moment's RL pressure can affect how you perceive an episode. Separating those from the feeling that the episode actually causes can be hard.

My head's pretty much bursting with possibilities and ideas and plot bunnies about what might have happened and where we might be heading. That's why if there's even a small hint that things are not how they appear, I'm totally happy to go along with Show and see how the mysteries unravel and the questions are answered. And if the answers fit any of my theories. (Hmm, this might actually be another part of the reason why Sam's picnic flashback made me react strongly: it really didn't fit any of the theories I had entertained in my head...)

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

I think you are just a few episodes behind me in how I was reacting to this season so far...I 'made my peace' with the way it looks like things are going about a week before you hit your upset moment.

But it will all play out as TPTB craft it, and we can find something to appreciate about it or choose to stop watching...as long as Jared and Jensen are in it, I will be watching, no matter how annoyed I get...