putting things into perspective.

[ash48]

Over the last few days I've been typing stuff up and deleting it and not posting. It was all pretty messy. What it did do is give me a chance to mull things over and identify exactly what it was that made me go from \o/ \o/ \o/ to /o\ :(( in a blink of an eye. Or rather...one episode.

This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D



This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)

I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.

What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.

I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)

So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.

I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part of their characters and an on going issue).

But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?

Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.

But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.

It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.

But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)

I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)

I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.

Dear Show...have I told you how much I hate love you lately?

PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)

Comments

[elsewhere91.livejournal.com]

Sorry you're having a hard time with the show at the moment.

I've just never seen Sam as the bad brother and Dean as the good brother, ever. I think both characters have equally good and bad traits.

However, i do understand Sam's actions for not looking for Dean (if Sam didn't look for Dean.) I don't think Sam suddenly gave up but like Sam said, his world 'imploded.' I think also factoring Sam's recent breakdown in season 7, his mistakes in season 4 and that he doesn't trust himself as much as he used to and i'm not really surprised that he couldn't search for Dean. However i think the main issue is that we haven't, as the audeince, seen Sam directly after Dean vanished and i will be fine that there is no supernatural twist as long as Sam gets that emotional exploration.

However if there is a supernatural twist i'll be fine with it as there are a lot of unanswered questions still surrounding Sam.

I'm just going to wait and see as we still have a lot of episodes left :)

Also why do fans assume Sam didn't look for Dean, as if i remember correctly Sam didn't answer Dean and maybe we assume Sam didn't search because Dean assumes Sam didn't look for him? Maybe it's to do with the perception thing. I don't know, but it's fun to speculate lol.

[ash48.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I don't see them has good or bad either. I totally agree that they are both a bit of both. What I meant by that is (my feeling only) that Sam is often the one that is seen a slighting Dean in some why (left for Stanford, shot him twice, didn't tell him about Ruby, often leaves, isn't successful in saving Dean and in DSOtM there was all that hurt (though I believe those memories were manipulated by Zach). Personally I see none of that as "bad" but he's often put into a position that hurts Dean.

And I also can totally believe he didn't look - and accept that. I've read some wonderful reasons that make it believable. I just want show to give us some of that. I am really hoping they are not just leaving it up to us to fill in those gaps. (I'm sure there will be more down the track).

Also why do fans assume Sam didn't look for Dean,

I think because Sam has stated it. Even though he didn't answer it in the first episode he confirmed it in 8.06. He said "I came clean and told you why I didn't look for you". (something like that). Up until then I was holding onto the fact that he never actually answered Dean. After this confirmation it cemented it for me that he either didn't look or believes he didn't look.

I'm hoping it's some perception thing too. It could make it very interesting.
xx

[elsewhere91.livejournal.com]

I don't see them has good or bad either. I totally agree that they are both a bit of both. What I meant by that is (my feeling only) that Sam is often the one that is seen a slighting Dean in some why (left for Stanford, shot him twice, didn't tell him about Ruby, often leaves, isn't successful in saving Dean and in DSOtM there was all that hurt (though I believe those memories were manipulated by Zach). Personally I see none of that as "bad" but he's often put into a position that hurts Dean.

See, i used to see show in that way and i used to think show and the writers liked Dean better and that because he's the 'favourite character' that he was never shown in the wrong as much as Sam (and when show irritates me i do still have that bitter Samgirl reaction lol ) but after rewatches and talking to my friends i think that it's not show that makes that big deal about what Sam has done but Dean.

I think show is pretty equal with the characters and that they both have good and bad points and it's because of the way the characters are that influences the audiences reaction. I think because people are so used to seeing Dean's pov and because Dean is an extrovert that we know when Dean is hurting more because Dean makes a much more bigger deal out of it. Also i think that Dean puts people on a pedestal and hero worships them that when they let him down in some way he sees their flaws more and kinds of holds it against them. I mean Dean has hurt Sam as much as Sam has hurt Dean (in my opinion) but Sam doesn't hold grudges and sees that people make mistakes.


Like DSTOM, i loved that episode when it first aired, loved it and then i read reactions from all types of fans and the majority said 'Sam is selfish and mean to Dean' and those reactions ruined the episode for me. But i later rewatched it with a new perspective because i discussed it with one of my friends and i saw that Sam was awesome in that episode - Sam walking in Dean's shoes and seeing Dean's pov, seeing the mistakes he made in the past and learning from them and because he learnt and grew he saved Dean (5.18) whereas Dean was supposed to learn about Sam ('i don't see family the same way as you do') but couldn't at that moment in time. Dean later learnt and was awesome in 5.22 and helped Sam. They are both still learning about each other and still growing, yes they make mistakes or fall into old habits but they are human.

In my opinion this show has always been a matter of persepective and this season is stating that :)

I also can totally believe he didn't look - and accept that. I've read some wonderful reasons that make it believable. I just want show to give us some of that.

Me too. I just hope that they do show us something instead of telling us i.e. what Sam said about his world 'imploding'. As long as we get more of an explanation from Sam then i'll be ok if not then i will react like a bitter Sam girl who thinks show likes Dean better lol.

. Even though he didn't answer it in the first episode he confirmed it in 8.06. He said "I came clean and told you why I didn't look for you". (something like that).

Sorry. I must have missed that.

Sorry this message is long.

[ash48.livejournal.com]

Message is good... :)

And I agree with all that about Sam. I actually hold no belief that show favors one bro over the other. At all. I think both of them have very strong and interesting character arcs and it IS about how we perceive them. Some can see Dean's pov and some Sam's. I've never really had a problem with who's pov we are seeing. It's only been this season that I suddenly felt short changed on Sam's story. But I've come to accept that it will come (if it doesn't then you'll see some wailing...;) )

I think Sam is amazing in his ability to not hold grudges and maybe that's what we were seeing in 8.07 with his ability not to blame Dean for what he said.

DSoTM was an amazing ep. I loved it when I saw it and was completely heart broken when Dean threw away the amulet (still am). And then I was sad that we only got scenes of things that Sam did to hurt Dean - all the things that looked like betrayal. It wasn't until reading stuff that I realized that Zach manipped those moments in order to pull Dean away from Sam. The very person that could stop him from saying yes. And it worked until Dean saw Sam's faith in him. (yay!)

But it really took some looking to find that. Show didn't really make it that clear I thought. So we had some fans wailing on Sam because he was a "bad brother". (though we also had fans wailing on Dean for not realising what had happened and throwing away such a precious token of their brotherhood). It was multilayered and I like that show didn't spell it out.

It's the things that show does best (most of the time) - give us that rift but manage to keep the bond strong. Which I can only assume is happening now. Their brotherhood will be tested and no doubt we'll all have our opinions about who has done the "wrong" thing. ;)

thanks for your thoughts. <3