putting things into perspective.
Nov. 21st, 2012 11:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ash48Over the last few days I've been typing stuff up and deleting it and not posting. It was all pretty messy. What it did do is give me a chance to mull things over and identify exactly what it was that made me go from \o/ \o/ \o/ to /o\ :(( in a blink of an eye. Or rather...one episode.
This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D
This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)
I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.
What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.
I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)
So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.
I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part of their characters and an on going issue).
But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?
Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.
But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.
It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.
But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)
I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)
I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.
Dear Show...have I told you how much Ihate love you lately?
PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)
This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D
This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)
I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.
What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.
I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)
So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.
I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part of their characters and an on going issue).
But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?
Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.
But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.
It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.
But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)
I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)
I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.
Dear Show...have I told you how much I
PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-11-22 04:35 pm (UTC)What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.
Yeah, even though my logical, sympathetic brain can understand where Sam was coming from; that he was just done and that he had no resources or leads, my Show history, attuned to these Winchesters brain has a real hard time accepting it. You just expect that there's gotta be more to it because there has always been more to it.
As things stand now, I can accept it but I waffle a bit over whether I'll be satisfied with it, if this is really all there is to it. I think it all boils down to how Sam's story plays out and if they give us more of his story. I've tried to remain spoiler free but you sometimes come across spoilery things and that interview with Carver that people speak of does give me some hope that we will see more about where Sam's head is.
Lately, because my friend is getting into the show, I have been re-watching season two "with" her via text message. Last night, she was able to come over and we watched the end of season two and I was struck by the fact that Dean has had his time of being "done", too. Sam is dead and Bobby is trying to get Dean to come with him; that the apocalypse is nigh and Dean says, "Let it end! I'm done with it. All of it."
I believed it. I understood it. It made sense. What's more, I had no problems with it And if that demon deal hadn't happened, I think Dean would have been out of it, at least for awhile. I didn't experience any sputtering and hand-wringing, "Dean, you have to do something. You can't just leave your brother like that." And, I don't know. Is it because there is an obviously dead Sam right there in the scene. Is it because, again, we get up close and personal with a grieving Dean whereas we get a Sam in S8 who tells us that he thought Dean was dead. Showing is always better than telling, I suppose.
We always allow Dean to be the hypocrite, though. I was watching "Crossroads" again and Dean is really laying into the folks who are making the deals. He even tells the man who saved his wife that he is "selfish" and "did you think about how that would make her feel." At the time, you know it is because of what John did. What I didn't count on was how I would have this OMG! mouth agape moment when I watched again because of the knowledge that Dean does the SAME THING and is completely unapologetic about it. And even though I know Sam is right to be upset and my heart aches for him throughout all of season 3 (and beyond) I am not as upset with Dean, who basically just tells Sam to suck it up and get over it, (Move on!) as I really should be. Again, I don't know why we have the tendency to cut Dean more slack than we do Sam (and I say this as a staunch supporter of Sam and why he does what he does) other than we experienced Dean's despair right along with him, in real time. When Bobby lays out all these reasons why Dean really is a hypocrite and Sam is rightfully upset and Dean says, "I had to, Bobby" in his breaky, wibbly voice, all I can muster is "Oh, Dean. I know you did. I know you did"
My mind. It boggles. (In a good way) Gosh, I love this show!
(As a completely, unrelated aside I am always irritated when John, after the YED is dead, has this touchy feely, unspoken, "I am so proud of you, Dean. I've missed you and I love you so much, son" moment with Dean while Sam gets more of a"oh, hey, I forgot you were here, Sam. How ya been? Toodles" moment. That always grates!)
no subject
Date: 2012-11-24 10:43 am (UTC)It's so interesting to hear from someone who has freshly watched all those early seasons. I haven't rewatched episodes in a while but I feel like they are also still fresh in my mind because they were so powerful.
And you really hit on the head much of what's going on with the characters. Dean IS a hypocrite and that's very much part of his character. He was all "what's dead should stay dead" and then he sells his soul for Sam. Sam is the one that is always seen as selfish (for going to Stanford no less) and yet Dean selfishly returned Sam from the grave because he could live without him (GOD I LOVE THAT!!). In this season he is still hypocritical. He's upset with Sam because he didn't look for him and try and save him and yet he left Cas in Purgatory, knowing he wasn't dead. No thought to finding a way to get him. So yeah...wonderful character circles.
Sam's mind seems to be much more of a mystery and we often have to guess what's going on. We usually get insight eventually and I really should have remembered that. I was just overwhelmed with this feeling that we wouldn't. Or, if we did, it would be only what we are already seeing. I am sure we'll get more. Being patient is almost impossible!
Oh and re you last comment. I was really puzzled by that moment also (and hated that John did touch Sam) and then found out the reason for it. Apparently Jared wasn't available when JDM was and so they manipulated that moment to make it look like they were all there. It was a such shame because they really all needed to be together for that one. But yeah... that's the reason from what I remember).
Thanks so much for that. It reminded me that we have much more to come!
<3